she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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