I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
They took my balls.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I have tasted many bathrooms
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
