You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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