I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
