Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
