I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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