I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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