He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
