when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
