Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
