I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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