Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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