1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
