so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
