Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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