I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
