god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
