My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Randomize
