You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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