I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
