Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
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