everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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