i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
