my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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