I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
