she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
