how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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