Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
