That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
i will never coherently bang her
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I need moral support for this bender
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
