it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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