who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
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