i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
