What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
