Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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