I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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