I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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