Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
PANTIES FOUND
Randomize
