Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
