Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
