remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
