I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I can't trust your balls anymore.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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