It was confusing and full of hummus
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
