the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
