i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
