honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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