If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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