i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize
