my phone needs a breathalizer
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
