its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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