On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
